FRIENDS, viewers, countrymen . . . Auntie . . . lend me your ears.

Please consider this, my formal application, for the role of Director-General of the BBC.

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Hear me out, because I know I am not a Guardian reader and the Beeb is run by Guardian readers.

Quite literally: For many years, far more copies of that paper have gone in the door than those of any other title.

The Guardian also gets more views from work computers at the BBC than does any other paper.

Far more BBC stories are based on Guardian pieces than stories in any other paper.

I know some Beeb staff really do try with impartiality, and certainly harder than at other broadcasters.

But it’s in the DNA of Guardian readers to give themselves and their fellow progressives the benefit of the doubt — which is where the BBC has been going wrong of late.

And should I land the Beeb job, like my 17 predecessors I would be a white bloke who has never run a £6billion business before.

So I feel my qualifications are more than sufficient. I suspect I could shave a few billion off those costs with a little light housekeeping.

The BBC spent £18MILLION on trains, taxis and hotels in just three years — including £288 on one 15-mile cab ride.

Let’s start with the most pernicious secret the BBC spaffs cash on: £169million on TV licence enforcement.

There’d be no more prosecutions under Single Justice Procedure to criminalise dotty dears who forget to pay the telly tax, either.

Diversity officers

Next, an immediate end to gold-plated pensions would save £541million a year.

You have to wonder how many BBC luvvies will suddenly stop tweeting how much they love the place when they’re weaned from that teat.

And what about one saving dear to the heart of managing editors across the rest of the media — a ban on all taxi travel.

The BBC spent £18MILLION on taxis, trains and hotels in just three years — including one taxi from Salford to Oxford whcih was a whopping £484.

That’s the equivalent of more than 100,000 licence fee payments right there, on jollies. Cut.

Then we move on to the easy stuff.

The disgraced Hamas propaganda shop BBC Arabic would be disbanded on day one.

They have been pushing straight-up propaganda against Israel for years — parroting Hamas talking points, minimising terrorism, blaming the victims.

The so-called “world’s most trusted broadcaster” running cover for extremists.

Well, no more. Sorry, Jeremy Bowen, if you like it so much there you’re gonna have to stay for free.

Next, goodbye to trans-issue editors and LGBTQ+ specialist correspondents.

The entire BBC has been hijacked by the militant trans-activist lobby.

The only conspiracy theory that needs debunking these days is the idea that the poor beloved BBC is a victim of some vast right-wing shadowy network out to destroy it.

Newsreader Martine Croxall was even punished for rolling her eyes

 after being fed the phrase “pregnant people”, rather than simply “pregnant women”, down the autocue.

That would no longer be a thought-crime at my BBC.

I would also end senior management’s woke indulgence of the growth of “staff networks” — acting as internal lobbying groups that make incessant demands to influence output.

On my watch, bosses would no longer be scared to cross them for fear of accusations of bigotry and discrimination.

Every member of staff would be required to sign a legally enforceable Pledge of Impartiality which defines balance and bias — and makes the latter a dismissible offence.

Climate editors, and the Director of Diversity and Inclusion, who has a six-figure pay-packet. Thank you — and goodbye.

The other diversity officers in the building? Yep, they can share a leaving drink with departing Director-General, Tim Davie.

Consultancy fees

Next up: BBC Verify. I mean, surely that bizarre outfit that claims to fact-check matters has proven itself wilfully blind these past few months.

The only conspiracy theory that needs debunking these days is the idea the poor beloved BBC is a victim of some right-wing shadowy network out to destroy it.

Fact check: The only people to blame for the current mess are the ones who lied and covered up a report the BBC paid for to verify its own failings.

Sinister political plots to destroy the Corporation? Guys, you don’t need anyone’s help on that score.

BBC Verify’s verdict? Gone.

Oh, and with me in charge there would be no more £100,000-a-month fees for management consultants.

A simple quiz show called Cut Or Don’t Cut could easily be done in-house. I mean, what are all those managers doing with themselves all day?

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The show would be live-streamed, with all-important audience participation.

Amol Rajan and Fiona Bruce are short of a few viewing hours, so could host a daily rip through the BBC budget — and licence fee payers could text to say what is and is not value for their hard-earned.

Space prohibits me from sharing my views and plans for the BBC’s drama, “comedy” and Glastonbury offerings but I suspect you get where I am coming from on those matters.

Thank you to BBC board members for their attention in this matter and I look forward to discussing my plans further with them at their earliest convenience.

All the very best, Harry